So dear readers, I'm going to continue posting to this blog. I think especially when I'm down and need to vent. But I'm staring a new adventure over at The Eighth of Onward.
I hope that you will join me there. It's sure to be exciting!
Much love,
KB
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Visions and Outings
This weekend brought around the opportunity for me to say no again to people inviting me out. But I'm making a new resolution to say yes. Also to be a little bit more spontaneous.
On Friday, after running all my errands for the theatre, I decided to visit a good friend of my, Shunka D. I missed seeing her and her family, and she's become a really good friend to me. I feel so comfortable sharing things with her. It was a nice quick visit where laughs and stories were shared.
Later that night, Barney invited me to his and Kirsten's home for a cast party. It was really great to hang out and I tried tacos from a little stand, something I normally wouldn't have done. I made awkward conversation, and it wasn't half bad.
Saturday night, another cast party, this time and Lauren and Alex's house. We drank and had a dance party, sat outside around a campfire and sang songs. I was nice to feel connected to all these people.
Sunday brought another new thing, making a vision board at Becca and Deanna's house. Looking through magazines, sharing thoughts for what we'd like in this life was really nice and now I have the board above to show for it. Hopefully looking at this board will manifest all the things that I want to have happen in my life like healthy eating, energy, a successful business, happiness, a beautiful home to call my own, and a clawfoot bathtub.
Try something new and unexpected today!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Why I Eat, Sleep and Breathe Theatre
I've always believed in magic. I would play dress up and pirates and princess for hours as a child. I remember being pretty upset when the truth was revealed regarding Santa and the Tooth Fairy. Little bits of magic were removed from my life in those moments. This belief in magic is why I think I am so drawn to the theatre.
I'm not quite sure when my love of the theatre began. I remember being drawn to performance from an early age. I used to perform dance with Junior Jazzercise. I remember standing in front of the fireplace with my sister and performing songs and dance for my parents growing up. I remember writing a play about princesses before I even knew what a play looked like. I wrote each characters lines on separate pieces of paper so each person could take their lines home... then I couldn't remember what order they went in. I remember being in my 3rd grade production of Twas the Night Before Christmas. I was one of the children with sugar plums dancing in their heads. I remember talking the boys in my gifted program in elementary school into making our gifted elective drama so I could be in a play. For me it feels like theatre has been with me from the beginning of time.
When I was registering for my high school electives I was either going to take drama or photography. What a different place we'd be right now had drama been full. A lot of the kids in my class were taking drama because they thought it would be easy. I think I knew better. I was pretty much hooked from the first day of class.
I was extremely lucky to have such an amazing instructor with John Milholland. He understood that we were capable of understanding the nuances of theatre. I learned so much from him. Things that I teach the kids I work with to this day. I learned about beatwork, moments, Harold Pinter and the ...pause...! I learned how to build a flat and the Aristotle's definition of ART. He introduced us to the empty chair exercise and taught us how to BE onstage and how to STOP ACTING. Theatre was a safe haven for me in my teens. I think like a lot of other girls my age I felt incredibly insecure, unconfident, odd yet plain, and unattractive. Theatre felt like a family where people understood everything I was going through. They allowed me to be myself, but to also push beyond myself. I know without having theatre in my life I would be in a very different place right now. If not for theatre, I might not even be HERE right now. It saved me.
Most of the kids who graduated with me went on to college to study different things. I knew that I was going to major in theatre. It was never even a question of what else I wanted to be when I "grew up." I took lots of other classes in college. Minored in psychology. Loved my sociology and anthropology classes, but I loved my theatre classes and being in rehearsal most of all. It was the magic of the theatre that kept me there day after day.
Theatre is one of the few things in this world that allows everyone involved in the experience to be transported to somewhere else. It takes the actors, the audience, even the designers and technicians into the world of imagination where anything is possible. Theatre has a tendancy to rip down the walls that we've put up in our lives, show us things we are afraid of, push us into the unknown and come out more experienced, wiser, braver. It brings a large group of people together to experience something together. A shared experience with strangers doesn't happen every single day.
Being able to share this magic with youth is an amazing experience unto itself. Watching kids see other kids on stage is one of my favorite things. Watching a kid make a "BIG CHOICE" for the first time and seeing the results is such an awesome moment. When a teenager realizes the honesty in themselves and what a beautiful and pure and giving thing that is to show to others in a theatrical moment is moving to say the least.
I know I'm good at other things in this world. I'm a good listener and I get along well in offices. I understand office tasks and how to write a short story. I can face groceries in a store pretty dang well too. I also know how to direct a play, and act in a show. I know how to paint fake bricks and how to read something in such a way that it grabs a persons attention. These latter things are the things that I am passionate about. In the past when I've worked in offices, I've always felt like the life was being choked out of my heart. I know that life is so much more stable. You don't take work home with you when you have a 9-5. When I'm working on a show, particularly if I'm in a show, I take that character home with me. It is a difficult life to say the least.
I just cannot see myself doing anything different. It's my magic.
Much love,
KB
I'm not quite sure when my love of the theatre began. I remember being drawn to performance from an early age. I used to perform dance with Junior Jazzercise. I remember standing in front of the fireplace with my sister and performing songs and dance for my parents growing up. I remember writing a play about princesses before I even knew what a play looked like. I wrote each characters lines on separate pieces of paper so each person could take their lines home... then I couldn't remember what order they went in. I remember being in my 3rd grade production of Twas the Night Before Christmas. I was one of the children with sugar plums dancing in their heads. I remember talking the boys in my gifted program in elementary school into making our gifted elective drama so I could be in a play. For me it feels like theatre has been with me from the beginning of time.
When I was registering for my high school electives I was either going to take drama or photography. What a different place we'd be right now had drama been full. A lot of the kids in my class were taking drama because they thought it would be easy. I think I knew better. I was pretty much hooked from the first day of class.
I was extremely lucky to have such an amazing instructor with John Milholland. He understood that we were capable of understanding the nuances of theatre. I learned so much from him. Things that I teach the kids I work with to this day. I learned about beatwork, moments, Harold Pinter and the ...pause...! I learned how to build a flat and the Aristotle's definition of ART. He introduced us to the empty chair exercise and taught us how to BE onstage and how to STOP ACTING. Theatre was a safe haven for me in my teens. I think like a lot of other girls my age I felt incredibly insecure, unconfident, odd yet plain, and unattractive. Theatre felt like a family where people understood everything I was going through. They allowed me to be myself, but to also push beyond myself. I know without having theatre in my life I would be in a very different place right now. If not for theatre, I might not even be HERE right now. It saved me.
Most of the kids who graduated with me went on to college to study different things. I knew that I was going to major in theatre. It was never even a question of what else I wanted to be when I "grew up." I took lots of other classes in college. Minored in psychology. Loved my sociology and anthropology classes, but I loved my theatre classes and being in rehearsal most of all. It was the magic of the theatre that kept me there day after day.
Theatre is one of the few things in this world that allows everyone involved in the experience to be transported to somewhere else. It takes the actors, the audience, even the designers and technicians into the world of imagination where anything is possible. Theatre has a tendancy to rip down the walls that we've put up in our lives, show us things we are afraid of, push us into the unknown and come out more experienced, wiser, braver. It brings a large group of people together to experience something together. A shared experience with strangers doesn't happen every single day.
Being able to share this magic with youth is an amazing experience unto itself. Watching kids see other kids on stage is one of my favorite things. Watching a kid make a "BIG CHOICE" for the first time and seeing the results is such an awesome moment. When a teenager realizes the honesty in themselves and what a beautiful and pure and giving thing that is to show to others in a theatrical moment is moving to say the least.
I know I'm good at other things in this world. I'm a good listener and I get along well in offices. I understand office tasks and how to write a short story. I can face groceries in a store pretty dang well too. I also know how to direct a play, and act in a show. I know how to paint fake bricks and how to read something in such a way that it grabs a persons attention. These latter things are the things that I am passionate about. In the past when I've worked in offices, I've always felt like the life was being choked out of my heart. I know that life is so much more stable. You don't take work home with you when you have a 9-5. When I'm working on a show, particularly if I'm in a show, I take that character home with me. It is a difficult life to say the least.
I just cannot see myself doing anything different. It's my magic.
Much love,
KB
Monday, August 9, 2010
Crossing Off
I've been amazed in the last week at what I've accomplished. In some ways it's not much, but in so many others it's a lot.
I went to the gym a couple of times with my sister, and we are planning on going more. I've always dreaded going to the gym in the past, but I think my sister is the perfect person for me to go to the gym with. She's supportive, but knows what to push and when to push.
Doug and I pushed, pushed, pushed through the inbetween Box on Saturday and got our mess under control. It was something that was weighing on me heavily, but now it's in a certain amount of order. It makes me so happy. I don't dread going in there now. I know we still have more in our POD, but at least now when that stuff arrives it's clearer where that stuff is going to go.
I've started making little baby steps to cleaning my apartment. I cleaned out a few drawers. I'm hanging my laundry when I bring it home. I'm taking the trash out more often. I feel like I'm taking time to enjoy my apartment more. Lounging in my bed Saturday and Sunday morning just reading was such a nice treat this week.
I think one of the things that has really happened this summer is I've taken more time for myself and to do the things that I want to do. Once our show gets started I've really got to make more of an effort to schedule that personal time for myself.
Oh! I got a job. It's 10 hours a week doing after care for Alice King Community Charter School. I've been needing to make some more money. I've been super broke as of late, so this will be super helpful in getting all of my financials back on track.
There are still a lot of things that I need to take care of, but with these little things being crossed off my to do list, I feel much more optimistic about their completion!
Love to you and a task done off your to do list!
KB
I went to the gym a couple of times with my sister, and we are planning on going more. I've always dreaded going to the gym in the past, but I think my sister is the perfect person for me to go to the gym with. She's supportive, but knows what to push and when to push.
Doug and I pushed, pushed, pushed through the inbetween Box on Saturday and got our mess under control. It was something that was weighing on me heavily, but now it's in a certain amount of order. It makes me so happy. I don't dread going in there now. I know we still have more in our POD, but at least now when that stuff arrives it's clearer where that stuff is going to go.
I've started making little baby steps to cleaning my apartment. I cleaned out a few drawers. I'm hanging my laundry when I bring it home. I'm taking the trash out more often. I feel like I'm taking time to enjoy my apartment more. Lounging in my bed Saturday and Sunday morning just reading was such a nice treat this week.
I think one of the things that has really happened this summer is I've taken more time for myself and to do the things that I want to do. Once our show gets started I've really got to make more of an effort to schedule that personal time for myself.
Oh! I got a job. It's 10 hours a week doing after care for Alice King Community Charter School. I've been needing to make some more money. I've been super broke as of late, so this will be super helpful in getting all of my financials back on track.
There are still a lot of things that I need to take care of, but with these little things being crossed off my to do list, I feel much more optimistic about their completion!
Love to you and a task done off your to do list!
KB
Monday, August 2, 2010
Accomplish Much?
Today I:
Taught sketch comedy writing
Figured out a display idea for our window
Did a lot of laundry
Went to the gym with my sister
Wrote a blog!
Feeling pretty good right now. Let's see if I can do it again tomorrow!
Happiness to you,
KB
Taught sketch comedy writing
Figured out a display idea for our window
Did a lot of laundry
Went to the gym with my sister
Wrote a blog!
Feeling pretty good right now. Let's see if I can do it again tomorrow!
Happiness to you,
KB
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Gratitudes and Affirmitudes
I am grateful for many things in my life, sometimes I forget them, as I think we all do.
Grateful for my amazing, supportive family.
Grateful for my dear dear friends, who I know are busy, but I know I'm in their thoughts.
Grateful for an amazing business partner and friend.
Grateful for a sweet cat to come home to at the end of the day.
Grateful for a nice apartment that keeps me warm in the winter, and cool in the summer.
Grateful for my successful business.
Grateful for all the amazing people who have become a part of my theatre family including all the amazing talented kids who have come into my life and remind me every day why I love what I do.
Grateful for green chile biscuits and red chile bacon.
Grateful for hugs.
Grateful for chai tea in all it's many forms.
New affirmations in my life:
Be Kristin
Be ProActive
Be Positive
Be Compassionate
Thoughts for a nice summer Saturday. Much love to you my readers as I am very grateful for you.
KB
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Permanent Life
Doug and I were talking about moving our offices into a different space today and just suddenly got aggravated by the whole thing. I freaked out. And now I'm in a bad mood. Doug asked me if I was tired. I said yes, that's probably what it is.
But as I'm sitting here thinking about everything, I realize that I was anxious, and tired of moving, only to have to move again when someone decides that they REALLY want to move into that space and we get kicked out. And granted that's probably not for another year, but still, not permanent.
That led me to think about other aspects of my life. I've been living in same apartment for the last 6.5 years, and while that seems permanent, it's really not any place that I have felt really comfortable calling home. I wish I could paint the walls, or renovate. Some place that was mine to do with, that didn't have such close neighbors and a yard for a dog to run in would be nice.
After watching my dearest Claire get married Saturday to the love of her life, she was so happy. She found something that gives her permanent happiness. Something I would really love to have. Not necessarily marriage for me... I'm still floating that idea around in my head, but knowing that there is someone to come home to at the end of the night who is usually happy to see you would be so nice.
A permanent paycheck in my life would be so nice. A gigantic part of me wants no part of a 9-5 desk job. That would be permanent though. Something I could count on. I know I can count on the theatre to bring me boundless joy through the happiness and hugs of the amazing young actors I work with, but financial security in my life would be nice too. I would LOVE to not owe so much on my credit cards and make a move towards purchasing a dream home of my own. I need to make the theatre start working for me.
After spending such a long weekend with dear friends who had become a part of my family in college, and then realizing the distance that had come between us, and the laughter and tears it's going to take to close that gap (which I really am looking forward to) it made me realize how much I miss having that super close friend. That person I can tell anything to. Most of my very close friends have seemed to have floated out of my life, and I don't know if I let them float away, or if they just don't want anything to do with me any more. I know everyone's life gets in the way. Mine gets in the way all the time, but it feels like we've all given up on making the effort. Did I think we had a different friendship then you thought we had?
And then of course I think about my weight. Maybe that is why I've kept it around so long. Like most people with eating disorders, food is the only thing they feel they can control in their lives. So they over eat, or under eat and starve themselves etc. My being overweight has been one of the only constants in my life since about the time my parents divorced.
I always felt I dealt so well with change, but maybe I just ate the fear and anxiety I really felt with every change that took place in my life. I always know that the fat will be here even if other things in my life won't, and maybe that's why I'm scared to lose the weight. A fear that that huge change will throw my life into a tailspin and not all the other crazy life changing things I do about every other week, like opening a theatre in a month and a half, or staying up til all hours of the night. I know nothing in this life is truly permanent. It can all be taken away in the flash of a moment, but a little stability in my life and the people around me would be a comfort right now. I need to find my inner perfection, my inner stability and let it guide me to do what's right and keeps me grounded.
Love and Happiness,
KB
But as I'm sitting here thinking about everything, I realize that I was anxious, and tired of moving, only to have to move again when someone decides that they REALLY want to move into that space and we get kicked out. And granted that's probably not for another year, but still, not permanent.
That led me to think about other aspects of my life. I've been living in same apartment for the last 6.5 years, and while that seems permanent, it's really not any place that I have felt really comfortable calling home. I wish I could paint the walls, or renovate. Some place that was mine to do with, that didn't have such close neighbors and a yard for a dog to run in would be nice.
After watching my dearest Claire get married Saturday to the love of her life, she was so happy. She found something that gives her permanent happiness. Something I would really love to have. Not necessarily marriage for me... I'm still floating that idea around in my head, but knowing that there is someone to come home to at the end of the night who is usually happy to see you would be so nice.
A permanent paycheck in my life would be so nice. A gigantic part of me wants no part of a 9-5 desk job. That would be permanent though. Something I could count on. I know I can count on the theatre to bring me boundless joy through the happiness and hugs of the amazing young actors I work with, but financial security in my life would be nice too. I would LOVE to not owe so much on my credit cards and make a move towards purchasing a dream home of my own. I need to make the theatre start working for me.
After spending such a long weekend with dear friends who had become a part of my family in college, and then realizing the distance that had come between us, and the laughter and tears it's going to take to close that gap (which I really am looking forward to) it made me realize how much I miss having that super close friend. That person I can tell anything to. Most of my very close friends have seemed to have floated out of my life, and I don't know if I let them float away, or if they just don't want anything to do with me any more. I know everyone's life gets in the way. Mine gets in the way all the time, but it feels like we've all given up on making the effort. Did I think we had a different friendship then you thought we had?
And then of course I think about my weight. Maybe that is why I've kept it around so long. Like most people with eating disorders, food is the only thing they feel they can control in their lives. So they over eat, or under eat and starve themselves etc. My being overweight has been one of the only constants in my life since about the time my parents divorced.
I always felt I dealt so well with change, but maybe I just ate the fear and anxiety I really felt with every change that took place in my life. I always know that the fat will be here even if other things in my life won't, and maybe that's why I'm scared to lose the weight. A fear that that huge change will throw my life into a tailspin and not all the other crazy life changing things I do about every other week, like opening a theatre in a month and a half, or staying up til all hours of the night. I know nothing in this life is truly permanent. It can all be taken away in the flash of a moment, but a little stability in my life and the people around me would be a comfort right now. I need to find my inner perfection, my inner stability and let it guide me to do what's right and keeps me grounded.
Love and Happiness,
KB
Saturday, May 22, 2010
why?
Why does everything always seem so clear at 2am? It seems so easy what I need to do as I lie here in bed thinking about the things I need to do to change my life and realize my full potential and really go after the things I want in life.Trouble is, when I finally do get up in the morning to start moving forward I'm to exhausted to really do anything about it. Argh!!!
I don't understand why I always maked everything so difficult for myself. Its so dumb.
I don't understand why I always maked everything so difficult for myself. Its so dumb.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Closed Doors
I've been thinking recently how closed off I've become in my life. Since graduation from college, I've met a lot of people. That happens when you run your own business, especially a theatre. I've had a lot of people become important to me, but barely any of them do I feel CLOSE to.
I've been trying to think how I can become more open, put myself out there more, but so much of my life has become about appearance I think. Be professional, be neutral, be friendly, try not to rock the boat. So many of my friendships are tied to my business that I think I try not to insert my personal life.
My house is always a mess. I think part of this is because I don't have/don't want any one to come over. Ever. I don't mind being a loner. I spend a lot of time alone, and maybe this is why I haven't formed more tight friendships in the last few years. I know I've always been messy, but it's become really bad, like pack rat hermit bad. I need to change this pattern in my life. I need to feel comfortable with opening the door for the pizza guy. I need to start being the responsible adult I put out to the world (sometimes) and actually take proper care of myself and my poor cat Glinda.
I need to take better care of my business, and start taking ownership of this thing that I've created. I know I do a lot, but there is so much more that I can be doing. I've got to pass responsibilities on to our interns and start looking at big picture things. Seasons, classes, grants, non-profits, getting that accountant/lawyer to help us put everything together in a more solid way.
I've got to start paying my bills and really taking care of my health. I'm currently doing an experiment with myself. Outside of a soda I had at the Isotopes game the other night, I haven't had a soda in 3 days. Been doing pretty good. I'm still drinking juice, lemonade, but carbonated drinks are out for now. I was thinking about how drinking soda was really an addiction for me. I always was making excuses for why I needed a soda, even the diet variety. At least with juice I'm getting some vitamin C or something along with those calories.
So, I guess what this all comes down to is that I'm ready to start opening some doors in my life again. I think I'm going to start allowing myself to be a bit more vulnerable with the people around me who I feel I can actually be close with. I'm going to let go of past anger I've had with others and just let them take care of themselves. I cannot go on holding grudges forever. It hurts my soul too much.
I need to post here more often and not worry if people are reading it and what they think about what they read. Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind, right? Maybe if i vent here about things that are bothering me, they won't fester so much in my everyday life and close me off from more things.
And maybe someday my apartment will be clean enough for you, dear reader, to come over and watch a movie or grab a drink with me or something... or even order a pizza and I'll open the door wide so this stranger can know that I'm comfortable with the life that I lead.
I've been trying to think how I can become more open, put myself out there more, but so much of my life has become about appearance I think. Be professional, be neutral, be friendly, try not to rock the boat. So many of my friendships are tied to my business that I think I try not to insert my personal life.
My house is always a mess. I think part of this is because I don't have/don't want any one to come over. Ever. I don't mind being a loner. I spend a lot of time alone, and maybe this is why I haven't formed more tight friendships in the last few years. I know I've always been messy, but it's become really bad, like pack rat hermit bad. I need to change this pattern in my life. I need to feel comfortable with opening the door for the pizza guy. I need to start being the responsible adult I put out to the world (sometimes) and actually take proper care of myself and my poor cat Glinda.
I need to take better care of my business, and start taking ownership of this thing that I've created. I know I do a lot, but there is so much more that I can be doing. I've got to pass responsibilities on to our interns and start looking at big picture things. Seasons, classes, grants, non-profits, getting that accountant/lawyer to help us put everything together in a more solid way.
I've got to start paying my bills and really taking care of my health. I'm currently doing an experiment with myself. Outside of a soda I had at the Isotopes game the other night, I haven't had a soda in 3 days. Been doing pretty good. I'm still drinking juice, lemonade, but carbonated drinks are out for now. I was thinking about how drinking soda was really an addiction for me. I always was making excuses for why I needed a soda, even the diet variety. At least with juice I'm getting some vitamin C or something along with those calories.
So, I guess what this all comes down to is that I'm ready to start opening some doors in my life again. I think I'm going to start allowing myself to be a bit more vulnerable with the people around me who I feel I can actually be close with. I'm going to let go of past anger I've had with others and just let them take care of themselves. I cannot go on holding grudges forever. It hurts my soul too much.
I need to post here more often and not worry if people are reading it and what they think about what they read. Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind, right? Maybe if i vent here about things that are bothering me, they won't fester so much in my everyday life and close me off from more things.
And maybe someday my apartment will be clean enough for you, dear reader, to come over and watch a movie or grab a drink with me or something... or even order a pizza and I'll open the door wide so this stranger can know that I'm comfortable with the life that I lead.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wanting to be The Biggest Loser
I'm writing this from my blackberry, so please excuse the typos or misspellings. I just have some thoughts in my head and need to lay them out so maybe I can sleep.
A few months ago Doug and I were talking about my weight. It's been a huge issue of mine, and being the great friend that he is, he was listening and offering advice. Out of the blue, he said, you should get on the biggest loser. I was taken aback. I tried looking for information on how to audition, but to no avail.
Fast forward to today and my friend Brian's facebook post about how the casting for TBL was coming to ABQ and that he was going to go. I asked him for the link and he sent it right over to me.
I think this would be an amazing opportunity for me. My weight hasn't ALWAYS been an issue, but its been an issue for a long time. I've tried on several occaisions to take better care of myself. For one summer I did the Power 90 workout and lost some weight, gained muscle and felt pretty good, until the 90 days were up. I've tried several different kinds of online and paper food journals, and joined gyms, etc. But I've always felt one thing remained the same, lack of motivation. And maybe it was more of my patience wearing out, but I just tend to give up so easily when it comes to my health. And then I feel overwhelmed and then depressed. And then I'm back to where I started from plus a few pounds.
I know that I need to make a lifestyle change, but I feel like I need guidance. Personal trainers are expensive though.and so are gym memberships and some healthy foods. That's where TBL comes in.
I haven't seen many episodes of the show, in fact I've mostly just ever seen last episodes. I do know though that they work those people HARD. And they don't let them give up. They keep pushing.
I want to be a good role model for the kids I work with every day. I want the girls that I work with to know that just because you're thin, it doesn't mean you are beautiful. Kindness and happiness make a person beautiful. And being thin doesn't necessarily mean healthy either. I just want to be healthy and feel comfortable in my own skin; something I haven't felt in a long time. And I want those kids to understand that they should be happy first with who they are, and then what they look like, and I know sometime those things go hand in hand. I'm rambling.
I know that being thinner won't solve all my problems, and I know I've been letting my weight hold me back from a whole lot of things which I could probably do no matter what, but I think auditioning for this show will be that gigantic leap into the journey I've been meaning to take for a long time.
I also hope that maybe this show will have some doctors that will help me get to the root of the thyroid/pituitary gland stuff. Maybe its PCOS, but I need to find a doctor who really is willing to look into it.
I think that's all for this very scattered blog.
Love to you tonight,
KB
A few months ago Doug and I were talking about my weight. It's been a huge issue of mine, and being the great friend that he is, he was listening and offering advice. Out of the blue, he said, you should get on the biggest loser. I was taken aback. I tried looking for information on how to audition, but to no avail.
Fast forward to today and my friend Brian's facebook post about how the casting for TBL was coming to ABQ and that he was going to go. I asked him for the link and he sent it right over to me.
I think this would be an amazing opportunity for me. My weight hasn't ALWAYS been an issue, but its been an issue for a long time. I've tried on several occaisions to take better care of myself. For one summer I did the Power 90 workout and lost some weight, gained muscle and felt pretty good, until the 90 days were up. I've tried several different kinds of online and paper food journals, and joined gyms, etc. But I've always felt one thing remained the same, lack of motivation. And maybe it was more of my patience wearing out, but I just tend to give up so easily when it comes to my health. And then I feel overwhelmed and then depressed. And then I'm back to where I started from plus a few pounds.
I know that I need to make a lifestyle change, but I feel like I need guidance. Personal trainers are expensive though.and so are gym memberships and some healthy foods. That's where TBL comes in.
I haven't seen many episodes of the show, in fact I've mostly just ever seen last episodes. I do know though that they work those people HARD. And they don't let them give up. They keep pushing.
I want to be a good role model for the kids I work with every day. I want the girls that I work with to know that just because you're thin, it doesn't mean you are beautiful. Kindness and happiness make a person beautiful. And being thin doesn't necessarily mean healthy either. I just want to be healthy and feel comfortable in my own skin; something I haven't felt in a long time. And I want those kids to understand that they should be happy first with who they are, and then what they look like, and I know sometime those things go hand in hand. I'm rambling.
I know that being thinner won't solve all my problems, and I know I've been letting my weight hold me back from a whole lot of things which I could probably do no matter what, but I think auditioning for this show will be that gigantic leap into the journey I've been meaning to take for a long time.
I also hope that maybe this show will have some doctors that will help me get to the root of the thyroid/pituitary gland stuff. Maybe its PCOS, but I need to find a doctor who really is willing to look into it.
I think that's all for this very scattered blog.
Love to you tonight,
KB
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Early Bird
I always thought that if I didn't have a "day job" I would be so efficient. I'd be getting all kinds of stuff done.
It's not true, and maybe I'm just not into a routine yet, but I never feel like I'm getting enough done. And now we are in tech week for Thoroughly Modern Millie Jr. (it's so good!) and I have more to get done than ever. I keep forgetting that I need to get props, and I was out all day today!
I have trouble sleeping, and it seems like more trouble now. And maybe I just need to take a sleeping pill and hit the hay, but I've always felt taking pills to get rid of your problems is never the answer. My brain just won't stop running. And since I have trouble sleeping, I have trouble waking up. I need to figure how to get up early, and get ready faster so a majority of the day doesn't pass with me in bed, in the shower, and getting dressed.
I guess that's all for today. I should go get some sleep.
Good wishes and love to you all!
KB
It's not true, and maybe I'm just not into a routine yet, but I never feel like I'm getting enough done. And now we are in tech week for Thoroughly Modern Millie Jr. (it's so good!) and I have more to get done than ever. I keep forgetting that I need to get props, and I was out all day today!
I have trouble sleeping, and it seems like more trouble now. And maybe I just need to take a sleeping pill and hit the hay, but I've always felt taking pills to get rid of your problems is never the answer. My brain just won't stop running. And since I have trouble sleeping, I have trouble waking up. I need to figure how to get up early, and get ready faster so a majority of the day doesn't pass with me in bed, in the shower, and getting dressed.
I guess that's all for today. I should go get some sleep.
Good wishes and love to you all!
KB
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Getting Back on Track
It's been a long time since I blogged personally about the things going on in my life. I've been trying to hide from myself, my faults, my triumphs, my weaknesses, my happinesses for so long. At some point I just got really sick of hearing myself complain so I shut it all off.
Until right now.
I have come to realize that it IS TIME for me to move on with certain aspects of my life. To no longer let things continue on as they have been. To grow up and accept that I need to start taken care of myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. No one else is here to tell me what to do. If I want the things out of life that I want, I'm going to have to do them all on my own.
I had been saying to the universe for a long time, I wish I could leave my day job and just work at the theatre and on Monday the universe gave my my wish in the avenue of my boss telling me there was no more work for me to do. I have no hard feelings towards this place that I worked at for the last few years of my life. I felt it coming, and I was looking for a way out. But it's happened for a reason. It's time for me to stop stalling on my dream and start making things go forward with the little theatre that won't stop.
I've also been super worried about my health lately. The weight hasn't gone away, it's come back from it's loss a few years ago, and it brought it's friends. It's time for me to tell them to go away and for good. I think I have a better understanding now that it's going to take some time and some real work from me to make it go away. I just want to be healthy. i want to not feel pain from the waistband of a pair of jeans, or the slippage of a bra that might be an inch or two too small. To be able to put on a pair of shoes with out having to use a pant leg to get to my foot. I'm uncomfortable in my skin, and that's no way to be.
I'm also still learning to accept that just because I love certain people in my life, it doesn't necessarily mean that they love me the same or that I can set such high expectations for them. They have moved forward or on or away or are just in a different place right now. What is important is that when we do come together, we care for each other. I do miss so much the closeness I felt I shared with so many people from my college days, and my two closest friends from high school. I don't necessarily regret not keeping in touch, but I think a regret not keeping track, at not doing a better job of leaving the door open. Something got lost upon the way, although I'm not quite sure of what that is.
I am trying so much more now to be a positive person. To try to take myself out of negative conversations. It can be so hard sometimes to not let myself get involved in the trivialities of other people's personal lives. But I think when you don't want to talk about your own life, you talk about other people's lives.
I have been trying to do better with asking people what is going on in their lives though. i realized there where so many times people asked me how my weekend was or whatever, and the conversation ended with my answer, rather than me asking about them. I was learning nothing about the people I've been coming into contact with. I must do better. I've missed out on so many interesting connections.
I am doing best to live to my true potential, which is such a scary prospect. It's scary to think of that much happiness and joy in one person's life. I think we feel bad about having all that happiness, so we push it away and say, how can I be happy, these things are wrong, when really the only thing that is wrong is the thought that those things are wrong. These things in our lives are always malleable.
Wow, I didn't realize there were all these thoughts in here. I definitely needed to get some things out.
My love and happiness to those who visit here!
KB
Until right now.
I have come to realize that it IS TIME for me to move on with certain aspects of my life. To no longer let things continue on as they have been. To grow up and accept that I need to start taken care of myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. No one else is here to tell me what to do. If I want the things out of life that I want, I'm going to have to do them all on my own.
I had been saying to the universe for a long time, I wish I could leave my day job and just work at the theatre and on Monday the universe gave my my wish in the avenue of my boss telling me there was no more work for me to do. I have no hard feelings towards this place that I worked at for the last few years of my life. I felt it coming, and I was looking for a way out. But it's happened for a reason. It's time for me to stop stalling on my dream and start making things go forward with the little theatre that won't stop.
I've also been super worried about my health lately. The weight hasn't gone away, it's come back from it's loss a few years ago, and it brought it's friends. It's time for me to tell them to go away and for good. I think I have a better understanding now that it's going to take some time and some real work from me to make it go away. I just want to be healthy. i want to not feel pain from the waistband of a pair of jeans, or the slippage of a bra that might be an inch or two too small. To be able to put on a pair of shoes with out having to use a pant leg to get to my foot. I'm uncomfortable in my skin, and that's no way to be.
I'm also still learning to accept that just because I love certain people in my life, it doesn't necessarily mean that they love me the same or that I can set such high expectations for them. They have moved forward or on or away or are just in a different place right now. What is important is that when we do come together, we care for each other. I do miss so much the closeness I felt I shared with so many people from my college days, and my two closest friends from high school. I don't necessarily regret not keeping in touch, but I think a regret not keeping track, at not doing a better job of leaving the door open. Something got lost upon the way, although I'm not quite sure of what that is.
I am trying so much more now to be a positive person. To try to take myself out of negative conversations. It can be so hard sometimes to not let myself get involved in the trivialities of other people's personal lives. But I think when you don't want to talk about your own life, you talk about other people's lives.
I have been trying to do better with asking people what is going on in their lives though. i realized there where so many times people asked me how my weekend was or whatever, and the conversation ended with my answer, rather than me asking about them. I was learning nothing about the people I've been coming into contact with. I must do better. I've missed out on so many interesting connections.
I am doing best to live to my true potential, which is such a scary prospect. It's scary to think of that much happiness and joy in one person's life. I think we feel bad about having all that happiness, so we push it away and say, how can I be happy, these things are wrong, when really the only thing that is wrong is the thought that those things are wrong. These things in our lives are always malleable.
Wow, I didn't realize there were all these thoughts in here. I definitely needed to get some things out.
My love and happiness to those who visit here!
KB
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