I'm writing this from my blackberry, so please excuse the typos or misspellings. I just have some thoughts in my head and need to lay them out so maybe I can sleep.
A few months ago Doug and I were talking about my weight. It's been a huge issue of mine, and being the great friend that he is, he was listening and offering advice. Out of the blue, he said, you should get on the biggest loser. I was taken aback. I tried looking for information on how to audition, but to no avail.
Fast forward to today and my friend Brian's facebook post about how the casting for TBL was coming to ABQ and that he was going to go. I asked him for the link and he sent it right over to me.
I think this would be an amazing opportunity for me. My weight hasn't ALWAYS been an issue, but its been an issue for a long time. I've tried on several occaisions to take better care of myself. For one summer I did the Power 90 workout and lost some weight, gained muscle and felt pretty good, until the 90 days were up. I've tried several different kinds of online and paper food journals, and joined gyms, etc. But I've always felt one thing remained the same, lack of motivation. And maybe it was more of my patience wearing out, but I just tend to give up so easily when it comes to my health. And then I feel overwhelmed and then depressed. And then I'm back to where I started from plus a few pounds.
I know that I need to make a lifestyle change, but I feel like I need guidance. Personal trainers are expensive though.and so are gym memberships and some healthy foods. That's where TBL comes in.
I haven't seen many episodes of the show, in fact I've mostly just ever seen last episodes. I do know though that they work those people HARD. And they don't let them give up. They keep pushing.
I want to be a good role model for the kids I work with every day. I want the girls that I work with to know that just because you're thin, it doesn't mean you are beautiful. Kindness and happiness make a person beautiful. And being thin doesn't necessarily mean healthy either. I just want to be healthy and feel comfortable in my own skin; something I haven't felt in a long time. And I want those kids to understand that they should be happy first with who they are, and then what they look like, and I know sometime those things go hand in hand. I'm rambling.
I know that being thinner won't solve all my problems, and I know I've been letting my weight hold me back from a whole lot of things which I could probably do no matter what, but I think auditioning for this show will be that gigantic leap into the journey I've been meaning to take for a long time.
I also hope that maybe this show will have some doctors that will help me get to the root of the thyroid/pituitary gland stuff. Maybe its PCOS, but I need to find a doctor who really is willing to look into it.
I think that's all for this very scattered blog.
Love to you tonight,
KB
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Early Bird
I always thought that if I didn't have a "day job" I would be so efficient. I'd be getting all kinds of stuff done.
It's not true, and maybe I'm just not into a routine yet, but I never feel like I'm getting enough done. And now we are in tech week for Thoroughly Modern Millie Jr. (it's so good!) and I have more to get done than ever. I keep forgetting that I need to get props, and I was out all day today!
I have trouble sleeping, and it seems like more trouble now. And maybe I just need to take a sleeping pill and hit the hay, but I've always felt taking pills to get rid of your problems is never the answer. My brain just won't stop running. And since I have trouble sleeping, I have trouble waking up. I need to figure how to get up early, and get ready faster so a majority of the day doesn't pass with me in bed, in the shower, and getting dressed.
I guess that's all for today. I should go get some sleep.
Good wishes and love to you all!
KB
It's not true, and maybe I'm just not into a routine yet, but I never feel like I'm getting enough done. And now we are in tech week for Thoroughly Modern Millie Jr. (it's so good!) and I have more to get done than ever. I keep forgetting that I need to get props, and I was out all day today!
I have trouble sleeping, and it seems like more trouble now. And maybe I just need to take a sleeping pill and hit the hay, but I've always felt taking pills to get rid of your problems is never the answer. My brain just won't stop running. And since I have trouble sleeping, I have trouble waking up. I need to figure how to get up early, and get ready faster so a majority of the day doesn't pass with me in bed, in the shower, and getting dressed.
I guess that's all for today. I should go get some sleep.
Good wishes and love to you all!
KB
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Getting Back on Track
It's been a long time since I blogged personally about the things going on in my life. I've been trying to hide from myself, my faults, my triumphs, my weaknesses, my happinesses for so long. At some point I just got really sick of hearing myself complain so I shut it all off.
Until right now.
I have come to realize that it IS TIME for me to move on with certain aspects of my life. To no longer let things continue on as they have been. To grow up and accept that I need to start taken care of myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. No one else is here to tell me what to do. If I want the things out of life that I want, I'm going to have to do them all on my own.
I had been saying to the universe for a long time, I wish I could leave my day job and just work at the theatre and on Monday the universe gave my my wish in the avenue of my boss telling me there was no more work for me to do. I have no hard feelings towards this place that I worked at for the last few years of my life. I felt it coming, and I was looking for a way out. But it's happened for a reason. It's time for me to stop stalling on my dream and start making things go forward with the little theatre that won't stop.
I've also been super worried about my health lately. The weight hasn't gone away, it's come back from it's loss a few years ago, and it brought it's friends. It's time for me to tell them to go away and for good. I think I have a better understanding now that it's going to take some time and some real work from me to make it go away. I just want to be healthy. i want to not feel pain from the waistband of a pair of jeans, or the slippage of a bra that might be an inch or two too small. To be able to put on a pair of shoes with out having to use a pant leg to get to my foot. I'm uncomfortable in my skin, and that's no way to be.
I'm also still learning to accept that just because I love certain people in my life, it doesn't necessarily mean that they love me the same or that I can set such high expectations for them. They have moved forward or on or away or are just in a different place right now. What is important is that when we do come together, we care for each other. I do miss so much the closeness I felt I shared with so many people from my college days, and my two closest friends from high school. I don't necessarily regret not keeping in touch, but I think a regret not keeping track, at not doing a better job of leaving the door open. Something got lost upon the way, although I'm not quite sure of what that is.
I am trying so much more now to be a positive person. To try to take myself out of negative conversations. It can be so hard sometimes to not let myself get involved in the trivialities of other people's personal lives. But I think when you don't want to talk about your own life, you talk about other people's lives.
I have been trying to do better with asking people what is going on in their lives though. i realized there where so many times people asked me how my weekend was or whatever, and the conversation ended with my answer, rather than me asking about them. I was learning nothing about the people I've been coming into contact with. I must do better. I've missed out on so many interesting connections.
I am doing best to live to my true potential, which is such a scary prospect. It's scary to think of that much happiness and joy in one person's life. I think we feel bad about having all that happiness, so we push it away and say, how can I be happy, these things are wrong, when really the only thing that is wrong is the thought that those things are wrong. These things in our lives are always malleable.
Wow, I didn't realize there were all these thoughts in here. I definitely needed to get some things out.
My love and happiness to those who visit here!
KB
Until right now.
I have come to realize that it IS TIME for me to move on with certain aspects of my life. To no longer let things continue on as they have been. To grow up and accept that I need to start taken care of myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. No one else is here to tell me what to do. If I want the things out of life that I want, I'm going to have to do them all on my own.
I had been saying to the universe for a long time, I wish I could leave my day job and just work at the theatre and on Monday the universe gave my my wish in the avenue of my boss telling me there was no more work for me to do. I have no hard feelings towards this place that I worked at for the last few years of my life. I felt it coming, and I was looking for a way out. But it's happened for a reason. It's time for me to stop stalling on my dream and start making things go forward with the little theatre that won't stop.
I've also been super worried about my health lately. The weight hasn't gone away, it's come back from it's loss a few years ago, and it brought it's friends. It's time for me to tell them to go away and for good. I think I have a better understanding now that it's going to take some time and some real work from me to make it go away. I just want to be healthy. i want to not feel pain from the waistband of a pair of jeans, or the slippage of a bra that might be an inch or two too small. To be able to put on a pair of shoes with out having to use a pant leg to get to my foot. I'm uncomfortable in my skin, and that's no way to be.
I'm also still learning to accept that just because I love certain people in my life, it doesn't necessarily mean that they love me the same or that I can set such high expectations for them. They have moved forward or on or away or are just in a different place right now. What is important is that when we do come together, we care for each other. I do miss so much the closeness I felt I shared with so many people from my college days, and my two closest friends from high school. I don't necessarily regret not keeping in touch, but I think a regret not keeping track, at not doing a better job of leaving the door open. Something got lost upon the way, although I'm not quite sure of what that is.
I am trying so much more now to be a positive person. To try to take myself out of negative conversations. It can be so hard sometimes to not let myself get involved in the trivialities of other people's personal lives. But I think when you don't want to talk about your own life, you talk about other people's lives.
I have been trying to do better with asking people what is going on in their lives though. i realized there where so many times people asked me how my weekend was or whatever, and the conversation ended with my answer, rather than me asking about them. I was learning nothing about the people I've been coming into contact with. I must do better. I've missed out on so many interesting connections.
I am doing best to live to my true potential, which is such a scary prospect. It's scary to think of that much happiness and joy in one person's life. I think we feel bad about having all that happiness, so we push it away and say, how can I be happy, these things are wrong, when really the only thing that is wrong is the thought that those things are wrong. These things in our lives are always malleable.
Wow, I didn't realize there were all these thoughts in here. I definitely needed to get some things out.
My love and happiness to those who visit here!
KB
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