Friday, February 1, 2013

Lost

Having one of those weeks where nothing feels right. Where I don't feel like I fit anywhere. That maybe I made the wrong choices that have lead me to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin but I lack the motivation and the money to do anything about any of it.

I want to go to the Natural Therapeutics school for massage therapy. I want to buy a house. I want to be able to put gas in my car so I can go to the gym whenever. I want to find a day job that pays well and leaves me time to still run the theatre. I want to act.

I miss feeling truly close to anyone. I feel so alone and left out no matter who I'm around, like an anomoly in the space time continuum. I try to join in on conversation but I inevitably have nothing interesting to talk about.

I'm sad about the current state of my life and I'm just not quite sure how to turn it all around. It almost feels like it's too late to get out of the quicksand.

Time to put the brave face back on and back to fight the good fight.

All the love,
Kristin

Monday, October 24, 2011

Don't you hate it when...

You can feel your true full potential, just sitting there, bubbling beneath the surface.... but you just feel too tired and too scared of not being able to handle the awesomeness it might cause to do anything about it?

I do.

It feels easier to squelch it, but I wonder if it's harder to keep it in hiding.

 Perhaps tomorrow I'll have the energy to let it shine.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Argh

So many thoughts going on right now. Can't clearly figure out what is happening. Why I'm reacting to things the way that I am. How can I move forward when I can't even figure out what I'm doing right now?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Eighth of Onward

So dear readers, I'm going to continue posting to this blog. I think especially when I'm down and need to vent. But I'm staring a new adventure over at The Eighth of Onward.

I hope that you will join me there. It's sure to be exciting!

Much love,
KB

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Visions and Outings


This weekend brought around the opportunity for me to say no again to people inviting me out. But I'm making a new resolution to say yes. Also to be a little bit more spontaneous.

On Friday, after running all my errands for the theatre, I decided to visit a good friend of my, Shunka D. I missed seeing her and her family, and she's become a really good friend to me. I feel so comfortable sharing things with her. It was a nice quick visit where laughs and stories were shared.

Later that night, Barney invited me to his and Kirsten's home for a cast party. It was really great to hang out and I tried tacos from a little stand, something I normally wouldn't have done. I made awkward conversation, and it wasn't half bad.

Saturday night, another cast party, this time and Lauren and Alex's house. We drank and had a dance party, sat outside around a campfire and sang songs. I was nice to feel connected to all these people.

Sunday brought another new thing, making a vision board at Becca and Deanna's house. Looking through magazines, sharing thoughts for what we'd like in this life was really nice and now I have the board above to show for it. Hopefully looking at this board will manifest all the things that I want to have happen in my life like healthy eating, energy, a successful business, happiness, a beautiful home to call my own, and a clawfoot bathtub.

Try something new and unexpected today!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Why I Eat, Sleep and Breathe Theatre

I've always believed in magic. I would play dress up and pirates and princess for hours as a child. I remember being pretty upset when the truth was revealed regarding Santa and the Tooth Fairy. Little bits of magic were removed from my life in those moments. This belief in magic is why I think I am so drawn to the theatre.

I'm not quite sure when my love of the theatre began. I remember being drawn to performance from an early age. I used to perform dance with Junior Jazzercise. I remember standing in front of the fireplace with my sister and performing songs and dance for my parents growing up. I remember writing a play about princesses before I even knew what a play looked like. I wrote each characters lines on separate pieces of paper so each person could take their lines home... then I couldn't remember what order they went in. I remember being in my 3rd grade production of Twas the Night Before Christmas. I was one of the children with sugar plums dancing in their heads. I remember talking the boys in my gifted program in elementary school into making our gifted elective drama so I could be in a play. For me it feels like theatre has been with me from the beginning of time.

When I was registering for my high school electives I was either going to take drama or photography. What a different place we'd be right now had drama been full. A lot of the kids in my class were taking drama because they thought it would be easy. I think I knew better. I was pretty much hooked from the first day of class.

I was extremely lucky to have such an amazing instructor with John Milholland. He understood that we were capable of understanding the nuances of theatre. I learned so much from him. Things that I teach the kids I work with to this day. I learned about beatwork, moments, Harold Pinter and the ...pause...! I learned how to build a flat and the Aristotle's definition of ART. He introduced us to the empty chair exercise and taught us how to BE onstage and how to STOP ACTING. Theatre was a safe haven for me in my teens. I think like a lot of other girls my age I felt incredibly insecure, unconfident, odd yet plain, and unattractive. Theatre felt like a family where people understood everything I was going through. They allowed me to be myself, but to also push beyond myself. I know without having theatre in my life I would be in a very different place right now. If not for theatre, I might not even be HERE right now. It saved me.

Most of the kids who graduated with me went on to college to study different things. I knew that I was going to major in theatre. It was never even a question of what else I wanted to be when I "grew up." I took lots of other classes in college. Minored in psychology. Loved my sociology and anthropology classes, but I loved my theatre classes and being in rehearsal most of all. It was the magic of the theatre that kept me there day after day.

Theatre is one of the few things in this world that allows everyone involved in the experience to be transported to somewhere else. It takes the actors, the audience, even the designers and technicians into the world of imagination where anything is possible. Theatre has a tendancy to rip down the walls that we've put up in our lives, show us things we are afraid of, push us into the unknown and come out more experienced, wiser, braver. It brings a large group of people together to experience something together. A shared experience with strangers doesn't happen every single day.

Being able to share this magic with youth is an amazing experience unto itself. Watching kids see other kids on stage is one of my favorite things. Watching a kid make a "BIG CHOICE" for the first time and seeing the results is such an awesome moment. When a teenager realizes the honesty in themselves and what a beautiful and pure and giving thing that is to show to others in a theatrical moment is moving to say the least.

I know I'm good at other things in this world. I'm a good listener and I get along well in offices. I understand office tasks and how to write a short story. I can face groceries in a store pretty dang well too. I also know how to direct a play, and act in a show. I know how to paint fake bricks and how to read something in such a way that it grabs a persons attention. These latter things are the things that I am passionate about. In the past when I've worked in offices, I've always felt like the life was being choked out of my heart. I know that life is so much more stable. You don't take work home with you when you have a 9-5. When I'm working on a show, particularly if I'm in a show, I take that character home with me. It is a difficult life to say the least.

I just cannot see myself doing anything different. It's my magic.

Much love,
KB

Monday, August 9, 2010

Crossing Off

I've been amazed in the last week at what I've accomplished. In some ways it's not much, but in so many others it's a lot.

I went to the gym a couple of times with my sister, and we are planning on going more. I've always dreaded going to the gym in the past, but I think my sister is the perfect person for me to go to the gym with. She's supportive, but knows what to push and when to push.

Doug and I pushed, pushed, pushed through the inbetween Box on Saturday and got our mess under control. It was something that was weighing on me heavily, but now it's in a certain amount of order. It makes me so happy. I don't dread going in there now. I know we still have more in our POD, but at least now when that stuff arrives it's clearer where that stuff is going to go.

I've started making little baby steps to cleaning my apartment. I cleaned out a few drawers. I'm hanging my laundry when I bring it home. I'm taking the trash out more often. I feel like I'm taking time to enjoy my apartment more. Lounging in my bed Saturday and Sunday morning just reading was such a nice treat this week.

I think one of the things that has really happened this summer is I've taken more time for myself and to do the things that I want to do. Once our show gets started I've really got to make more of an effort to schedule that personal time for myself.

Oh! I got a job. It's 10 hours a week doing after care for Alice King Community Charter School. I've been needing to make some more money. I've been super broke as of late, so this will be super helpful in getting all of my financials back on track.

There are still a lot of things that I need to take care of, but with these little things being crossed off my to do list, I feel much more optimistic about their completion!

Love to you and a task done off your to do list!
KB