Getting Back on Track

It's been a long time since I blogged personally about the things going on in my life. I've been trying to hide from myself, my faults, my triumphs, my weaknesses, my happinesses for so long. At some point I just got really sick of hearing myself complain so I shut it all off.

Until right now.

I have come to realize that it IS TIME for me to move on with certain aspects of my life. To no longer let things continue on as they have been. To grow up and accept that I need to start taken care of myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. No one else is here to tell me what to do. If I want the things out of life that I want, I'm going to have to do them all on my own.

I had been saying to the universe for a long time, I wish I could leave my day job and just work at the theatre and on Monday the universe gave my my wish in the avenue of my boss telling me there was no more work for me to do. I have no hard feelings towards this place that I worked at for the last few years of my life. I felt it coming, and I was looking for a way out. But it's happened for a reason. It's time for me to stop stalling on my dream and start making things go forward with the little theatre that won't stop.

I've also been super worried about my health lately. The weight hasn't gone away, it's come back from it's loss a few years ago, and it brought it's friends. It's time for me to tell them to go away and for good. I think I have a better understanding now that it's going to take some time and some real work from me to make it go away. I just want to be healthy. i want to not feel pain from the waistband of a pair of jeans, or the slippage of a bra that might be an inch or two too small. To be able to put on a pair of shoes with out having to use a pant leg to get to my foot. I'm uncomfortable in my skin, and that's no way to be.

I'm also still learning to accept that just because I love certain people in my life, it doesn't necessarily mean that they love me the same or that I can set such high expectations for them. They have moved forward or on or away or are just in a different place right now. What is important is that when we do come together, we care for each other. I do miss so much the closeness I felt I shared with so many people from my college days, and my two closest friends from high school. I don't necessarily regret not keeping in touch, but I think a regret not keeping track, at not doing a better job of leaving the door open. Something got lost upon the way, although I'm not quite sure of what that is.

I am trying so much more now to be a positive person. To try to take myself out of negative conversations. It can be so hard sometimes to not let myself get involved in the trivialities of other people's personal lives. But I think when you don't want to talk about your own life, you talk about other people's lives.

I have been trying to do better with asking people what is going on in their lives though. i realized there where so many times people asked me how my weekend was or whatever, and the conversation ended with my answer, rather than me asking about them. I was learning nothing about the people I've been coming into contact with. I must do better. I've missed out on so many interesting connections.

I am doing best to live to my true potential, which is such a scary prospect. It's scary to think of that much happiness and joy in one person's life. I think we feel bad about having all that happiness, so we push it away and say, how can I be happy, these things are wrong, when really the only thing that is wrong is the thought that those things are wrong. These things in our lives are always malleable.

Wow, I didn't realize there were all these thoughts in here. I definitely needed to get some things out.

My love and happiness to those who visit here!
KB