Why does everything always seem so clear at 2am? It seems so easy what I need to do as I lie here in bed thinking about the things I need to do to change my life and realize my full potential and really go after the things I want in life.Trouble is, when I finally do get up in the morning to start moving forward I'm to exhausted to really do anything about it. Argh!!!
I don't understand why I always maked everything so difficult for myself. Its so dumb.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Closed Doors
I've been thinking recently how closed off I've become in my life. Since graduation from college, I've met a lot of people. That happens when you run your own business, especially a theatre. I've had a lot of people become important to me, but barely any of them do I feel CLOSE to.
I've been trying to think how I can become more open, put myself out there more, but so much of my life has become about appearance I think. Be professional, be neutral, be friendly, try not to rock the boat. So many of my friendships are tied to my business that I think I try not to insert my personal life.
My house is always a mess. I think part of this is because I don't have/don't want any one to come over. Ever. I don't mind being a loner. I spend a lot of time alone, and maybe this is why I haven't formed more tight friendships in the last few years. I know I've always been messy, but it's become really bad, like pack rat hermit bad. I need to change this pattern in my life. I need to feel comfortable with opening the door for the pizza guy. I need to start being the responsible adult I put out to the world (sometimes) and actually take proper care of myself and my poor cat Glinda.
I need to take better care of my business, and start taking ownership of this thing that I've created. I know I do a lot, but there is so much more that I can be doing. I've got to pass responsibilities on to our interns and start looking at big picture things. Seasons, classes, grants, non-profits, getting that accountant/lawyer to help us put everything together in a more solid way.
I've got to start paying my bills and really taking care of my health. I'm currently doing an experiment with myself. Outside of a soda I had at the Isotopes game the other night, I haven't had a soda in 3 days. Been doing pretty good. I'm still drinking juice, lemonade, but carbonated drinks are out for now. I was thinking about how drinking soda was really an addiction for me. I always was making excuses for why I needed a soda, even the diet variety. At least with juice I'm getting some vitamin C or something along with those calories.
So, I guess what this all comes down to is that I'm ready to start opening some doors in my life again. I think I'm going to start allowing myself to be a bit more vulnerable with the people around me who I feel I can actually be close with. I'm going to let go of past anger I've had with others and just let them take care of themselves. I cannot go on holding grudges forever. It hurts my soul too much.
I need to post here more often and not worry if people are reading it and what they think about what they read. Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind, right? Maybe if i vent here about things that are bothering me, they won't fester so much in my everyday life and close me off from more things.
And maybe someday my apartment will be clean enough for you, dear reader, to come over and watch a movie or grab a drink with me or something... or even order a pizza and I'll open the door wide so this stranger can know that I'm comfortable with the life that I lead.
I've been trying to think how I can become more open, put myself out there more, but so much of my life has become about appearance I think. Be professional, be neutral, be friendly, try not to rock the boat. So many of my friendships are tied to my business that I think I try not to insert my personal life.
My house is always a mess. I think part of this is because I don't have/don't want any one to come over. Ever. I don't mind being a loner. I spend a lot of time alone, and maybe this is why I haven't formed more tight friendships in the last few years. I know I've always been messy, but it's become really bad, like pack rat hermit bad. I need to change this pattern in my life. I need to feel comfortable with opening the door for the pizza guy. I need to start being the responsible adult I put out to the world (sometimes) and actually take proper care of myself and my poor cat Glinda.
I need to take better care of my business, and start taking ownership of this thing that I've created. I know I do a lot, but there is so much more that I can be doing. I've got to pass responsibilities on to our interns and start looking at big picture things. Seasons, classes, grants, non-profits, getting that accountant/lawyer to help us put everything together in a more solid way.
I've got to start paying my bills and really taking care of my health. I'm currently doing an experiment with myself. Outside of a soda I had at the Isotopes game the other night, I haven't had a soda in 3 days. Been doing pretty good. I'm still drinking juice, lemonade, but carbonated drinks are out for now. I was thinking about how drinking soda was really an addiction for me. I always was making excuses for why I needed a soda, even the diet variety. At least with juice I'm getting some vitamin C or something along with those calories.
So, I guess what this all comes down to is that I'm ready to start opening some doors in my life again. I think I'm going to start allowing myself to be a bit more vulnerable with the people around me who I feel I can actually be close with. I'm going to let go of past anger I've had with others and just let them take care of themselves. I cannot go on holding grudges forever. It hurts my soul too much.
I need to post here more often and not worry if people are reading it and what they think about what they read. Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind, right? Maybe if i vent here about things that are bothering me, they won't fester so much in my everyday life and close me off from more things.
And maybe someday my apartment will be clean enough for you, dear reader, to come over and watch a movie or grab a drink with me or something... or even order a pizza and I'll open the door wide so this stranger can know that I'm comfortable with the life that I lead.
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