Doug and I were talking about moving our offices into a different space today and just suddenly got aggravated by the whole thing. I freaked out. And now I'm in a bad mood. Doug asked me if I was tired. I said yes, that's probably what it is.
But as I'm sitting here thinking about everything, I realize that I was anxious, and tired of moving, only to have to move again when someone decides that they REALLY want to move into that space and we get kicked out. And granted that's probably not for another year, but still, not permanent.
That led me to think about other aspects of my life. I've been living in same apartment for the last 6.5 years, and while that seems permanent, it's really not any place that I have felt really comfortable calling home. I wish I could paint the walls, or renovate. Some place that was mine to do with, that didn't have such close neighbors and a yard for a dog to run in would be nice.
After watching my dearest Claire get married Saturday to the love of her life, she was so happy. She found something that gives her permanent happiness. Something I would really love to have. Not necessarily marriage for me... I'm still floating that idea around in my head, but knowing that there is someone to come home to at the end of the night who is usually happy to see you would be so nice.
A permanent paycheck in my life would be so nice. A gigantic part of me wants no part of a 9-5 desk job. That would be permanent though. Something I could count on. I know I can count on the theatre to bring me boundless joy through the happiness and hugs of the amazing young actors I work with, but financial security in my life would be nice too. I would LOVE to not owe so much on my credit cards and make a move towards purchasing a dream home of my own. I need to make the theatre start working for me.
After spending such a long weekend with dear friends who had become a part of my family in college, and then realizing the distance that had come between us, and the laughter and tears it's going to take to close that gap (which I really am looking forward to) it made me realize how much I miss having that super close friend. That person I can tell anything to. Most of my very close friends have seemed to have floated out of my life, and I don't know if I let them float away, or if they just don't want anything to do with me any more. I know everyone's life gets in the way. Mine gets in the way all the time, but it feels like we've all given up on making the effort. Did I think we had a different friendship then you thought we had?
And then of course I think about my weight. Maybe that is why I've kept it around so long. Like most people with eating disorders, food is the only thing they feel they can control in their lives. So they over eat, or under eat and starve themselves etc. My being overweight has been one of the only constants in my life since about the time my parents divorced.
I always felt I dealt so well with change, but maybe I just ate the fear and anxiety I really felt with every change that took place in my life. I always know that the fat will be here even if other things in my life won't, and maybe that's why I'm scared to lose the weight. A fear that that huge change will throw my life into a tailspin and not all the other crazy life changing things I do about every other week, like opening a theatre in a month and a half, or staying up til all hours of the night. I know nothing in this life is truly permanent. It can all be taken away in the flash of a moment, but a little stability in my life and the people around me would be a comfort right now. I need to find my inner perfection, my inner stability and let it guide me to do what's right and keeps me grounded.
Love and Happiness,
KB
