The Permanent Life

Doug and I were talking about moving our offices into a different space today and just suddenly got aggravated by the whole thing. I freaked out. And now I'm in a bad mood. Doug asked me if I was tired. I said yes, that's probably what it is.

But as I'm sitting here thinking about everything, I realize that I was anxious, and tired of moving, only to have to move again when someone decides that they REALLY want to move into that space and we get kicked out. And granted that's probably not for another year, but still, not permanent.

That led me to think about other aspects of my life. I've been living in same apartment for the last 6.5 years, and while that seems permanent, it's really not any place that I have felt really comfortable calling home. I wish I could paint the walls, or renovate. Some place that was mine to do with, that didn't have such close neighbors and a yard for a dog to run in would be nice.

After watching my dearest Claire get married Saturday to the love of her life, she was so happy. She found something that gives her permanent happiness. Something I would really love to have. Not necessarily marriage for me... I'm still floating that idea around in my head, but knowing that there is someone to come home to at the end of the night who is usually happy to see you would be so nice.

A permanent paycheck in my life would be so nice. A gigantic part of me wants no part of a 9-5 desk job. That would be permanent though. Something I could count on. I know I can count on the theatre to bring me boundless joy through the happiness and hugs of the amazing young actors I work with, but financial security in my life would be nice too. I would LOVE to not owe so much on my credit cards and make a move towards purchasing a dream home of my own. I need to make the theatre start working for me.

After spending such a long weekend with dear friends who had become a part of my family in college, and then realizing the distance that had come between us, and the laughter and tears it's going to take to close that gap (which I really am looking forward to) it made me realize how much I miss having that super close friend. That person I can tell anything to. Most of my very close friends have seemed to have floated out of my life, and I don't know if I let them float away, or if they just don't want anything to do with me any more. I know everyone's life gets in the way. Mine gets in the way all the time, but it feels like we've all given up on making the effort. Did I think we had a different friendship then you thought we had?

And then of course I think about my weight. Maybe that is why I've kept it around so long. Like most people with eating disorders, food is the only thing they feel they can control in their lives. So they over eat, or under eat and starve themselves etc. My being overweight has been one of the only constants in my life since about the time my parents divorced.

I always felt I dealt so well with change, but maybe I just ate the fear and anxiety I really felt with every change that took place in my life. I always know that the fat will be here even if other things in my life won't, and maybe that's why I'm scared to lose the weight. A fear that that huge change will throw my life into a tailspin and not all the other crazy life changing things I do about every other week, like opening a theatre in a month and a half, or staying up til all hours of the night. I know nothing in this life is truly permanent. It can all be taken away in the flash of a moment, but a little stability in my life and the people around me would be a comfort right now. I need to find my inner perfection, my inner stability and let it guide me to do what's right and keeps me grounded.

Love and Happiness,
KB

Getting Back on Track

It's been a long time since I blogged personally about the things going on in my life. I've been trying to hide from myself, my faults, my triumphs, my weaknesses, my happinesses for so long. At some point I just got really sick of hearing myself complain so I shut it all off.

Until right now.

I have come to realize that it IS TIME for me to move on with certain aspects of my life. To no longer let things continue on as they have been. To grow up and accept that I need to start taken care of myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. No one else is here to tell me what to do. If I want the things out of life that I want, I'm going to have to do them all on my own.

I had been saying to the universe for a long time, I wish I could leave my day job and just work at the theatre and on Monday the universe gave my my wish in the avenue of my boss telling me there was no more work for me to do. I have no hard feelings towards this place that I worked at for the last few years of my life. I felt it coming, and I was looking for a way out. But it's happened for a reason. It's time for me to stop stalling on my dream and start making things go forward with the little theatre that won't stop.

I've also been super worried about my health lately. The weight hasn't gone away, it's come back from it's loss a few years ago, and it brought it's friends. It's time for me to tell them to go away and for good. I think I have a better understanding now that it's going to take some time and some real work from me to make it go away. I just want to be healthy. i want to not feel pain from the waistband of a pair of jeans, or the slippage of a bra that might be an inch or two too small. To be able to put on a pair of shoes with out having to use a pant leg to get to my foot. I'm uncomfortable in my skin, and that's no way to be.

I'm also still learning to accept that just because I love certain people in my life, it doesn't necessarily mean that they love me the same or that I can set such high expectations for them. They have moved forward or on or away or are just in a different place right now. What is important is that when we do come together, we care for each other. I do miss so much the closeness I felt I shared with so many people from my college days, and my two closest friends from high school. I don't necessarily regret not keeping in touch, but I think a regret not keeping track, at not doing a better job of leaving the door open. Something got lost upon the way, although I'm not quite sure of what that is.

I am trying so much more now to be a positive person. To try to take myself out of negative conversations. It can be so hard sometimes to not let myself get involved in the trivialities of other people's personal lives. But I think when you don't want to talk about your own life, you talk about other people's lives.

I have been trying to do better with asking people what is going on in their lives though. i realized there where so many times people asked me how my weekend was or whatever, and the conversation ended with my answer, rather than me asking about them. I was learning nothing about the people I've been coming into contact with. I must do better. I've missed out on so many interesting connections.

I am doing best to live to my true potential, which is such a scary prospect. It's scary to think of that much happiness and joy in one person's life. I think we feel bad about having all that happiness, so we push it away and say, how can I be happy, these things are wrong, when really the only thing that is wrong is the thought that those things are wrong. These things in our lives are always malleable.

Wow, I didn't realize there were all these thoughts in here. I definitely needed to get some things out.

My love and happiness to those who visit here!
KB