Closed Doors

I've been thinking recently how closed off I've become in my life. Since graduation from college, I've met a lot of people. That happens when you run your own business, especially a theatre. I've had a lot of people become important to me, but barely any of them do I feel CLOSE to.

I've been trying to think how I can become more open, put myself out there more, but so much of my life has become about appearance I think. Be professional, be neutral, be friendly, try not to rock the boat. So many of my friendships are tied to my business that I think I try not to insert my personal life.

My house is always a mess. I think part of this is because I don't have/don't want any one to come over. Ever. I don't mind being a loner. I spend a lot of time alone, and maybe this is why I haven't formed more tight friendships in the last few years. I know I've always been messy, but it's become really bad, like pack rat hermit bad. I need to change this pattern in my life. I need to feel comfortable with opening the door for the pizza guy. I need to start being the responsible adult I put out to the world (sometimes) and actually take proper care of myself and my poor cat Glinda.

I need to take better care of my business, and start taking ownership of this thing that I've created. I know I do a lot, but there is so much more that I can be doing. I've got to pass responsibilities on to our interns and start looking at big picture things. Seasons, classes, grants, non-profits, getting that accountant/lawyer to help us put everything together in a more solid way.

I've got to start paying my bills and really taking care of my health. I'm currently doing an experiment with myself. Outside of a soda I had at the Isotopes game the other night, I haven't had a soda in 3 days. Been doing pretty good. I'm still drinking juice, lemonade, but carbonated drinks are out for now. I was thinking about how drinking soda was really an addiction for me. I always was making excuses for why I needed a soda, even the diet variety. At least with juice I'm getting some vitamin C or something along with those calories.

So, I guess what this all comes down to is that I'm ready to start opening some doors in my life again. I think I'm going to start allowing myself to be a bit more vulnerable with the people around me who I feel I can actually be close with. I'm going to let go of past anger I've had with others and just let them take care of themselves. I cannot go on holding grudges forever. It hurts my soul too much.

I need to post here more often and not worry if people are reading it and what they think about what they read. Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind, right? Maybe if i vent here about things that are bothering me, they won't fester so much in my everyday life and close me off from more things.

And maybe someday my apartment will be clean enough for you, dear reader, to come over and watch a movie or grab a drink with me or something... or even order a pizza and I'll open the door wide so this stranger can know that I'm comfortable with the life that I lead.

Wanting to be The Biggest Loser

I'm writing this from my blackberry, so please excuse the typos or misspellings. I just have some thoughts in my head and need to lay them out so maybe I can sleep.

A few months ago Doug and I were talking about my weight. It's been a huge issue of mine, and being the great friend that he is, he was listening and offering advice. Out of the blue, he said, you should get on the biggest loser. I was taken aback. I tried looking for information on how to audition, but to no avail.

Fast forward to today and my friend Brian's facebook post about how the casting for TBL was coming to ABQ and that he was going to go. I asked him for the link and he sent it right over to me.

I think this would be an amazing opportunity for me. My weight hasn't ALWAYS been an issue, but its been an issue for a long time. I've tried on several occaisions to take better care of myself. For one summer I did the Power 90 workout and lost some weight, gained muscle and felt pretty good, until the 90 days were up. I've tried several different kinds of online and paper food journals, and joined gyms, etc. But I've always felt one thing remained the same, lack of motivation. And maybe it was more of my patience wearing out, but I just tend to give up so easily when it comes to my health. And then I feel overwhelmed and then depressed. And then I'm back to where I started from plus a few pounds.

I know that I need to make a lifestyle change, but I feel like I need guidance. Personal trainers are expensive though.and so are gym memberships and some healthy foods. That's where TBL comes in.

I haven't seen many episodes of the show, in fact I've mostly just ever seen last episodes. I do know though that they work those people HARD. And they don't let them give up. They keep pushing.

I want to be a good role model for the kids I work with every day. I want the girls that I work with to know that just because you're thin, it doesn't mean you are beautiful. Kindness and happiness make a person beautiful. And being thin doesn't necessarily mean healthy either. I just want to be healthy and feel comfortable in my own skin; something I haven't felt in a long time. And I want those kids to understand that they should be happy first with who they are, and then what they look like, and I know sometime those things go hand in hand. I'm rambling.

I know that being thinner won't solve all my problems, and I know I've been letting my weight hold me back from a whole lot of things which I could probably do no matter what, but I think auditioning for this show will be that gigantic leap into the journey I've been meaning to take for a long time.

I also hope that maybe this show will have some doctors that will help me get to the root of the thyroid/pituitary gland stuff. Maybe its PCOS, but I need to find a doctor who really is willing to look into it.

I think that's all for this very scattered blog.

Love to you tonight,
KB